


You will be found

by Dreamshaper, ForxGood



Series: Treat You Better verse [2]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Domestic Violence, F/F, Suicidal Thoughts, domestic abuse, mentions of rape/non-con, references to depression and ptsd, there's a LOT of warning labels I need to put on this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2018-11-19 09:13:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11310300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamshaper/pseuds/Dreamshaper, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForxGood/pseuds/ForxGood
Summary: Alternative ending to Treat You Better, taking place after chapter 14. Because what if Erin hadn't come back to get her stuff. How do you save someone who doesn't want to be saved?It delves much deeper into the darker sides of abusive relationships, and how some damage just can never be really fixed. It is Dark with a capital D, please proceed with caution and make sure you read all warning tags before proceeding.





	1. The change

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is solely my brainchild. I read some angsty Erin fics one day and thought 'okay but what if things hadn't gone so well for Erin in TYB? What if it had been too late, as is quite often the case in these situations?' I highly recommend you read Treat You Better first before starting this, simply because this fic as a whole will make more sense that way, but I'm not stopping you if you want to read this as a standalone.
> 
> I haven't done nearly the amount of research I have for this as I have for TYB, taking most my cues from society as a whole rather than extensive googleing, so I sincerely apologize for any mistakes and errors in handling this. 
> 
> Also yes, it starts with the end of chapter 14 of TYB, just to get you back into the swing of things. Enjoy!

No, Holtzmann, no”, she said, addressing the engineer, but not looking away from Erin, “this is it. Why are you even still here, Erin? Do you think we haven’t noticed? How distracted you are all the time? How unhappy you are? Do you think we’re blind?”

_Abby knows, too,_ Erin thought to herself, swallowing heavily, _Abby knows, and Patty probably knows too. But Abby is angry, she’s not pitying me, she’ll help, just tell her, tell her, tell her what he is…_

“Save us and yourself the trouble and stop wasting everyone’s time!”, Abby went on, and the last few things which made sense in Erin’s world crumbled beneath her feet. “We all know you want to leave, so just go already!”

“Abby!” Holtzmann sounded shocked, and even Patty let out an audible gasp, but Erin didn’t hear any of it. Her ears were ringing with Abby’s last words to her, as she watched her last bit of familiarity and sense of home crumble before her eyes.

_You should have seen this coming_ , a voice in her head taunted her. _Phil has been telling you as much for months now. He knew they didn’t care about you. He knew no one there wanted you around, but you didn’t listen. Stupid little Erin, stupid little Ghost Girl, actually thinking she had friends. Actually thinking people would care about her. You have Phil now, and that is all you’re ever going to get. No one else is going to love you. Everyone else wants you to go. Why didn’t you leave sooner? You could have saved them the trouble of firing you._

For a few seconds, Erin just sat there, letting the poisonous thoughts take over every last corner of her mind, before she slowly got up from her seat. Grabbing her bag, she slowly headed towards the door, not saying another word. She knew that if she even as much as looked back, if she even so much as spoke, she would end up crying again. And if she cried, they would either mock her for it, or pity her, and the last thing Erin wanted was their pity. She got enough reminders of how pathetic she was already; she didn’t need the people who she had once upon a time thought of as her friends – _stupid, Erin, to think you could ever have friends_ – to add to that.

“Erin!” she heard Holtzmann behind her, the blonde catching up with her just as she reached the door. “Erin, no, don’t- Don’t go. We can fix this! I swear we can, just please… please don’t go.”

The engineer sounded oddly desperate, and for a split second Erin dared to believe that someone else might actually want her around. After all, Holtzmann knew, and Holtzmann had been nice to her despite all that. But then she remembered that most likely, that kindness had just been born out of pity. Pity for the pathetic woman who couldn’t even keep herself from hurting her boyfriend, causing him to do things that he normally would never do. And she didn’t deserve to burden Holtzmann any more than she already had, which meant she had to go.

“It’s fine, Holtzmann”, she made herself say, the hollow and empty look in her eyes when she looked at the blonde breaking the engineer’s heart once more. “this is probably the best for all of us.”

Holtzmann could see nothing but resignation in those green eyes, and she wanted nothing more than to take Erin in her arms. To hug her, to hold her, to tell her it was all going to be okay and to just keep her from going back to that… that _hellhole_ that Erin had been forced to call ‘home’.

“Erin”, Holtzmann started again, sounding as if she was close to tears now. Erin just shook her head, then stepped out the door and gently closed it behind herself. And when she heard the latch click, the tears did come, and so she lowered her head as she walked away from the firehouse, suddenly all too sure that was the last time she’d set foot in there.

 

*******

 

It took Erin a while to get home, the woman opting to just walk her way to Phil’s apartment rather than take the subway. She was early, anyway, Erin gently placing her bag next to the door and taking of her shoes before heading to the bathroom.

As she looked in the mirror, she tried to hide the fact that she’d been crying, not wanting to annoy her boyfriend even more. Phil always hated it when she cried, calling it childish and unfitting for a woman her age. And while she felt a little justified in this context, after losing her friends like this, she knew Phil wouldn’t see it that way.

_You should have seen this coming, Erin. He told you as much. Hadn’t he asked you to leave before, to just stay with him? He knew they didn’t want you; he’d been trying to save you this pain_.

Wiping her tears away one last time, Erin looked at herself in the mirror, carefully undoing the scarf around her neck and placing it on the sink. Combined with her bloodshot eyes and cried-off make-up, she looked like quite the sight, the bruise still visibly spreading past the collar of her buttoned-up blouse.

Unacceptable. Undesirable. Pathetic.

Shaking her head, Erin wrapped the scarf back around her neck before cleaning the smudged mascara off her cheeks and re-applying her make-up. By the time she was done, the redness in her eyes had faded, and to the unsuspecting bystander, she almost looked normal. As if nothing had ever happened.

Satisfied, Erin went back to the kitchen, moving to start on dinner before Phil came home. It was part of her routine, at this point. When Phil had first begun dating her, he had admitted to being a terrible cook. Erin hadn’t been much better, but considering her job was less intense than her boyfriend’s, she’d begun to learn, picking up a few things here and there. By now, it was an unspoken rule that Erin took care of dinner, something she didn’t even question anymore.

_He always worked harder than I did, and we can’t keep eating take-out the rest of our lives_.

She was grateful for the work, giving her something to do as she waited for her boyfriend to come home from work. She tried not to think about how she’d explain what had happened today, wondering if the events would make him angry or not. In reality, she knew he’d most likely be thrilled for her; he had been worrying about her out in the field getting hurt a lot lately, even when Erin assured him she’d cut down on busts, and he’d probably be glad to know she was safe.

Her suspicions were confirmed when Phil arrived at 6 o’clock sharp, as he always did, Erin just checking on the rice before walking over to greet him.

“Hi Phil.”

He barely spared her a second glance as she kissed his cheek, immediately moving to the small living room to sit on the couch, ranting about his ‘inept colleagues’ all the while. Erin listened sympathetically, knowing all too well it was best for all of them to just let Phil get it all out when he could.

“But alright, enough about these idiots. What’s for dinner? I’m assuming nothing interesting happened during your day anyway.”

“Well…” Erin began, looking a bit nervous as she wondered if it was really such a good idea to tell him. “I have something to tell you, actually.”

This made him pause, Phil turning to Erin with an almost threatening look on his face. But despite feeling intimidated, Erin knew her boyfriend well enough by now to know that he didn’t like her keeping secrets from him. Their relationship was one built upon mutual trust, at least in her mind, and Erin didn’t want to be the one to give him a reason to doubt her.

“You were right. About… Abby. And the Ghostbusters. They…” She swallowed thickly, biting back the tears as she knew how her boyfriend hated to see her cry. _Like a little kid. Jesus, Erin…_ “They fired me.”

She could still feel the tears brimming in her eyes as she spoke those words out loud, a final confirmation that the place she had once thought of as a safe haven was as toxic as everywhere else Phil had tried so hard to shield her from. To help her with. And now she was repaying him by crying about it.

This time, though, Phil didn’t seem to mind as much, simply wrapping his arms around his girlfriend as he hugged her. If he put just a little too much pressure on the bruise that was still blooming above Erin’s kidney, she didn’t mention it, glad for the comfort as she took a few shaky breaths, glad she was able to keep the tears at bay.

“I’m sorry, Erin… I know how badly you wanted to believe them, but this is why I warned you about them, so many times. You can’t trust these people. They didn’t even care about you, sending you out into the most dangerous parts of that job.” Erin nodded wordlessly, not daring to argue. Thoughts of Holtzmann had immediately come flooding into her mind, the many ways with which the blonde engineer had always seemed to try so hard to make her smile, the way she had pleaded with her to stay, but she quickly shook those away.

If even Abby had gotten sick of her, and if even Phil sometimes felt the need to hurt her, then surely the blonde would have gotten sick of her too sooner rather than later.

“But I’m glad you’re safe now.” Her boyfriend continued. Erin looked up to find him smiling at her, the knowledge that at least _he_ seemed to care about her well-being warming her heart. Even after all she’d done to him, he still cared, and Erin found a great deal of comfort in that.

“Do you still need to get your stuff?”

“No.” Erin shook her head, not wanting to ruin this moment by asking even more of her boyfriend. He was already being so supportive right now, she didn’t want to jinx that. “It’s nothing that can’t be replaced.”

Flashes of something shot through her mind, items hidden that would now be lost to the ether, but again, she pushed those thoughts away. There was a reason she had kept them hidden, and it would do her no good now to bring those back. It would only cause more problems, and after all Phil had done for her, she didn’t deserve to saddle him with more problems.

“Good.” He nodded, breaking the embrace not seconds later before heading towards the bedroom, undoubtedly to get changed. “Make sure dinner is ready.”

Erin smiled as she watched him go, ignoring the sinking feeling she felt in her stomach. Because Phil was right. He had been right about the Ghostbusters. They hadn’t wanted her, and right now, she was just glad that at least he still did. And there was still a bright side to all of this. Erin not working anymore meant they’d be able to spend more time together, another thing he had so often complained about. This would be good for them, good for the relationship.

_Yes_ , Erin thought, as she went back to cooking dinner, _this is a good thing_. _It will be fine._

_We will be just fine._

 

*******

 

After kissing Phil goodbye as he went to work the next morning, Erin slowly began picking up the pieces of her former life. She cleaned the house, did some work, reviewed some papers… It didn’t quite feel the same as it had before, and it certainly didn’t feel as good as working with the Ghostbusters, but Erin knew she’d just have to get used to it. She didn’t have many other options open to her, after all. With a little bit of luck, she might actually get back a position at one of the universities in the city, allowing her to keep busy, but she knew the chances of that were slim.

In the world of academia, nothing was more telling of having been denied tenure than a 7 to 10 year position at a prestigious university that suddenly got terminated. And no one in their right mind wanted to hire someone who had no prospects of being a good permanent hire.

During the day, her phone kept buzzing with calls. Calls from Abby, calls from Patty, calls from Holtzmann… There were generally at least 5 every 15 minutes, at least 20 every hour, but Erin ignored them all. She suspected they probably just wanted to kick her while she was down, get out a few more insults they’d forgotten to throw at her the day before, and she didn’t feel like listening to that.

More than anything, she wanted to just chuck her phone out the window after the 50th declined call, but she knew that wasn’t an option. Even if she wasn’t in the field, she knew Phil wanted to be able to reach her, and she couldn’t do that without a phone.

Instead, she just kept ignoring them, hoping that the old tactic of ‘just ignoring it’ would work to get the message across.

(She doubted it. It hadn’t worked for bullies back in high school, and she doubted it would work any better for adults).

 

*******

 

The same morning Erin was busy picking up the remnants of her old life, the Ghostbusters spent all day at the firehouse staring at a door that would never open. At least, not with the person they wanted to see walking through them. They had ignored calls, forgotten to eat, unable to sleep… They just sat downstairs – all of them, even Holtzmann – staring at the door. Their hearts jumped every time it opened, but aside from Kevin and Bennie, no one had come in.

“… Maybe he’s just busy today…” Patty suggested, even as it was clear she barely believed those words herself. “You know he’d want to come with her to pick those things up, maybe he just couldn’t get out of work today.”

Abby nodded along in support, but Holtzmann just shot them the dirtiest look imaginable before storming back upstairs, undoubtedly to drown herself in her work to take her mind off the possibility that Patty might be wrong. Because if Patty _was_ wrong, and Erin _wouldn’t_ be back, then she’d lost everything. Then it would be Holtzmann’s own fault, for watching Erin go through this and not doing enough to help her.

_It was a good explanation_ , or so she tried telling herself as she dialled Erin’s number again. _It was a good reason for Erin not to show up. She’d be back tomorrow, and then Holtzmann would get her out of there, she was sure of it._

But while tomorrow came and went, Erin didn’t. The next day was much the same. By now, everyone had realized what this meant, and everyone had tried calling Erin, to no avail.

Even Kevin had noticed, vaguely asking ‘where’s the boss?’ on the fourth day after Erin had left, which had Holtzmann nearly hurl a wrench at him before storming up to the roof.

 

*******

 

The calls persisted. Day in, day out, Erin’s phone would go off multiple times a day with calls from people she had once trusted, people she had once thought of as her friends.

When she brought the matter up to Phil, he suggested she change her number.

“I don’t like seeing you hurting like this, Erin. And I know you; you’re going to want to confront them at some point, and then they’ll hurt you even more. You know that’s all they want; to hurt you more. You shouldn’t let them.”

Erin considered those words for a while. Part of her knew Phil was just looking out for her, but there was something that was bothering her about that solution. It felt too much like running away, like acting like a coward, like not standing up for herself. She wasn’t sure she wanted to give the Ghostbusters the satisfaction of knowing just how badly they had hurt her. After all, changing your number was quite a hassle; did she really want to go through all that just because some people were mean to her?

But when the phone calls kept waking her up in the middle of the night, earning her another bout of righteous anger form her boyfriend sleeping next to her, Erin complied. Taking care of the matter online, she changed her number, giving the new contact information only to Phil and her parents.

She disconnected her old phone.

Erin pretended she didn’t miss the constant calls.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I barely lasted 1 chapter without Dreamshaper's help. Let it be known I am nothing without her.
> 
> All warnings still apply.

Holtz was the first one to be greeted with the “the number you have been trying to dial is no longer in service” message when she called Erin’s phone, as she did every morning when she woke up. She knew by now she wouldn’t get an answer, but she knew she had to try.

Because maybe, some day, at some point, Erin would answer. And she could apologize. And help her. Do all the things she should have done while she had the chance.

But as soon as the electronically generated voice sounded from the speakers, Holtzmann threw her phone at the wall, a defeated and broken sound falling from her lips. Because without Erin’s number, what means did they have to contact her?

It was Abby who came with the idea of visiting Phil’s apartment while he was out, banging on the door and pleading with Erin to let them in. They apologized, they begged, they tried to talk sense into the woman they still considered one of their closest friends, but while Holtzmann’s pleas were the loudest of all, she was also the one who had the least amount of faith in them.

Because of course they wouldn’t work.

Because hadn’t Erin heard all these things a million times before from her own boyfriend? That this time was the last time? That they hadn’t meant to hurt her? That they would be better? And unlike them, Phil Hudson had done a lot more to ruin Erin’s trust in them, than they had to ruin Erin’s trust in her boyfriend.

_ Her abuser. _

But not even getting sent away a 5 th time in 5 days by angry neighbours could stop the women, and especially Holtzmann, from dropping by at least twice a week.

 

*****

 

“This is the third time this lunatic has been harassing us!” Phil fumed, pacing through the living room as Erin cleared off the dinner table. “Do you keep asking them back here, Erin? Is  _ that _ why they haven’t let up?”

“I haven’t!” Erin countered, placing the plates in the sink before walking over to her boyfriend. “I’ve ignored them, just like you said. I don’t know why they keep coming back. I don’t know what they want from me!”

“Are you sure, Erin? What about when I’m at work? How do you know you’re not talking to them then!”

“I’m not!” Erin replied, standing a few feet away from Phil. “Please, Phil, you have to believe me. I wouldn’t lie to you, you know I wouldn’t!”

For a minute, it looked like he was going to strike her after all, Erin already bracing herself for the impact. But a few second later, he sighed, simply walking over to his laptop.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. But this has to stop, you know it has to. I’ve been looking at a new place for us to live anyway. Maybe a place for children to be raised. It would give you something to keep you busy, too, while I’m at work.”

“What are you saying?” Erin asked, moving to stand behind him as she saw him peruse realtor websites.

“What I’m saying is… Maybe it’s for the best if we moved.”

 

*****

 

“Erin!” Holtzmann was ramming on the door for what seemed like the umpteenth time, desperation clear in her voice. “Erin, open up,  _ please _ ! You have to talk to me, Erin!”

“She’s not here, honey.”

The voice made Holtzmann turn around, the young blonde coming face to face with an elderly woman. The engineer had seen her around before; the woman had sent her away from the door multiple times before, complaining about the noise, but this was different.

The message was different. And the woman had never sounded so apologetic before.

“What do you mean she isn’t here?” Holtzmann asked, her voice trembling a little. For a split second, she dared to hope that maybe,  _ just maybe _ , Erin was out there somewhere alone. That she was away from Phil. That Holtzmann could still find her, could still talk to her.

But the woman’s next words dashed all those hopes.

“They moved. Your friend and her boyfriend. I saw the boxes yesterday.”

Holtzmann’s face paled at that, the blonde slowly sinking to the floor as those words mulled through her head.

They moved. Erin moved. He took Erin away. And now, there was  _ nothing _ she could do to help her anymore.

“Do… Do you know where they went?” She asked, not even realizing how her voice had begun trembling as she spoke.

The woman shook her head. “I’m sorry, honey.” Placing her shopping bags on the floor, she walked over to Holtzmann, placing a comforting hand on the young woman’s shoulder.

“If it makes you feel better; I would tell you if I did. That girl was always incredibly nice to me, but from what I heard, that boy wasn’t treating her right. The walls aren’t as thick as he may have hoped. But whenever I tried talking to her about it, she waved it off. Told me it was all okay.”

She shot Holtzmann another look.

“But looking at you, I doubt it was all okay, was it?”

Holtzmann shook her head in response, the first tears already falling from her eyes.

“I should have done something. I should have…”

“You did all you could, darling. Erin is probably counting her lucky stars she had someone like you in her life, even if she couldn’t tell you.”

_ Would she? _ Holtzmann thought wryly, wiping away at the tears spilling down her cheeks.  _ I couldn’t even help her. I couldn’t get her out of there. I  _ knew _ , and I did  _ nothing _. God, Erin, I’m so sorry… _

“Chin up, darling.” The woman shot her a comforting smile as she got up again, picking up her grocery bags before heading to the door of her own apartment. “It will be alright, you’ll see. Take it from an old woman; these things have a way of working themselves out.”

Holtzmann, in all honesty, sincerely doubted that.

 

*****

 

Instead of letting the matter go, Holtzmann begin stalking Columbia, hoping to catch Phil and follow him home. But it seemed the man had prepared for this, and the third time the Ghostbusters’d had to pick Holtz up from the police station for violating a restraining order that had been filed against her (and the other Ghostbusters), Jennifer called them all in.

“Your work is suffering. We are not paying you to get arrested on a regular basis, without even handing in the proper paperwork for the limited number of calls you managed to go on. And especially you, Holtzmann; you can’t keep doing this.”

“The hell I can’t!” Holtzmann shot up from her chair, her face red as she yelled at the PA. “He’s hurting her, Jen! You know he is!”

Jennifer, to her credit, didn’t even seem surprised by the engineer’s outburst. Instead, her face softened, and the brunette looked almost empathetic when she spoke to Holtzmann next.

“I know. But until Dr. Gilbert herself comes forward, it’s he said, she said. And I hate it just as much as you do, but unfortunately, right now there’s nothing any of us can really do about it…”

 

*****

 

It was decided that Abby would go back home to Michigan for Thanksgiving, in the hopes of running into Erin while she was there, and maybe talk her into coming back. But while she had quite a few encounters with Erin’s parents, Erin herself was nowhere to be found.

When asking the Gilberts about their daughter, they didn’t feel like sharing much information either. They didn’t seem worried in the slightest; if anything, they seemed delighted that Erin had such a ‘charming’ boyfriend, who was ‘such a good influence on her’.

“He even helped her get back out of this whole silly ‘ghost’ business. And honestly, Abigail, it’s kind of sad you still haven’t grown out of that. Maybe you should try and be more like Erin. Look at her; with her man who cares for her. They’re even trying for a baby!”

When Abby relayed that back to Holtzmann, the blonde’s face turned ashen, the despair clear in her eyes. And while Abby had thought the same thing, it wasn’t until Holtzmann spoke the words she said next that the gravity of them truly sunk in.

“You know what that means, right?” She asked, her voice trembling. “You know what that means he’s doing to her, right?”

Abby could only nod, the other woman incapable of speaking out what was happening, and how grave the situation had gotten that they had helped put Erin in.

 

*****

 

A few months after Erin left the firehouse, Abby came in to work to find a box on top her desk that she couldn’t remember being there before.

“Kevin, what is that?”

“What is what?”

As a head popped out of the closet, Abby pointed at the box.

“Well boss, that would be a box.”

Rolling her eyes, and mentally counting to ten, Abby tried to be patient with him. “I know that, Kevin. But where did it come from?”

“Oh.” Kevin laughed. “I found it during hide and seek. It was hidden somewhere under the boss’ desk. Taking up a lot of space, so I took it out. Why, was it important?”

Abby didn’t answer, but simply called Patty and Holtzmann down to look at the items, each of them growing more and more sick the more and more items they take out of the box.

Awards and certificates that Erin had once been so proud of. A small stuffed animal that Abby knew she’d had since she was a kid. Framed photos of them as a team, clearly treasured by its former owner.

When the co-authored books got pulled out, it became too much for Abby, the scientist running towards the nearest waste bin to throw up. She felt more than sick. Here she had been, all this time, believing Erin had left her for something more prestigious. Had abandoned her yet again because the public opinion about their work didn’t match up with her need for validation and to be right. But among her best friend’s most treasured possessions were the books she and Abby had poured their hearts and souls into.

_ And instead of trusting her, you abandoned her _ , Abby thought to herself as she clung to the trashcan, heaving, nothing left in her stomach though to come up.  _ Instead of helping her, you kicked her out, and anything and everything that happens to her now is your fault as much as it is his. You failed her, you failed her as a friend… _

Part of her registered that Patty had moved to her side, rubbing her back and talking to her in an attempt to soothe her, to calm her down. Tears were blurring her vision. She wasn’t sure if they had been caused by throwing up, or from the realization of what she had done hitting home fully, but she figured that in the end, it didn’t matter why she had started crying. Because as the tears began to fall, she cried for Erin, and for what she had done to the woman who had once been her best friend. 

Neither of them noticed how Holtzmann pulled the only object remaining in the box out and -  after studying the small polaroid for a few heartbeats - slid it into her pocket, claiming it as her own. Once the picture had been safely stowed away, she methodically started packing up the box again, not looking at Abby and Patty once as she did so, and ignoring the questioning look Patty shot her.

“Holtzy?” the historian half said, half asked, when Holtzmann finished packing up the box and picked it up, “where are you going?”

“Out.” Holtzmann curtly replied, only her white-knuckled grip on the box betraying the depth of her anger. For a moment, Patty looked as if she wanted to protest, or say something else, but then her shoulders just slumped and she focused on Abby again, both of them flinching when they heard the door slam close behind Holtzmann a minute later.

 

When Patty received a call late at night, and a bartender who sounded more annoyed than concerned told her that her friend was passed out drunk at his bar, she was worried and alarmed, but not surprised the slightest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God bless Dreamshaper for this. All usual warnings apply.

 

During their busts over the next few weeks, the Ghostbusters were focused. They somehow still managed to work as a team, even though the absence of their fourth member was a constant reminder of their failure. But while they managed to get their jobs done, they did so with a lot more trouble, and when Jennifer Lynch received the seventh mistake-riddled report in a row, with Holtzmann attending every meeting clearly hung-over, she had had enough.

When the Ghostbusters headed out of the meeting room that day, she called Patty back for a word in private, and that evening, Holtzmann found herself surprised by the PA at her favoured watering hole, the look of dismay on Jennifer’s face making it quite clear what she thought of Holtzmann’s choice of venue.

“Holtzmann.” she greeted, eying the barstool next to the engineer, then deciding against sitting on it, her gaze moving to the half empty glass Holtzmann had in front of her. “Really? Whisky at this time of the day? No wonder your reports are declining in quality.”

“The reports are declining in quality because Erin is gone.” Holtzmann told her bitterly, her heart clenching up when she said Erin’s name. She almost expected Jennifer to scold her, to tell her that she couldn’t use what had happened as an excuse to do sloppy work, but the PA surprised her, the woman instead sighing and placing a surprisingly tender hand on her back.

“Look.” she said, “I know you’re hurting. I can’t even blame you for hurting. But this is not the way to handle this. Getting drunk every night won’t help, and you know it.”

She had been planning to say more, had wanted to tell Holtzmann that Erin wouldn’t have wanted her to act this way, but the engineer beat her to it. Jennifer saw the blonde’s mood shift, noticed how her gaze dropped down to her lips, and quickly took a step back. 

She didn’t step away quite far enough, though, and went stiff when Holtzmann practically threw both arms around her.

“Holtzmann,” she said a bit forcefully, placing one hand against the other woman’s chest, just in case, “what are you doing? This isn’t what you want.”

“Come on...” the blonde slurred in response, arms still around the PA, “I’m lonely, and sad, and Erin wouldn’t have wanted me like that anyway…”

“Holtzmann.” Jennifer gave back, “ _ Jillian. _ No. That is not the point and you know it.”

For another moment, Holtzmann looked as if she wanted to protest, or as if she wanted to make another move; then, she slumped back into her seat, and her gaze dropped to the floor, one hand coming up to tug at her earlobe, showing how uncomfortable she was all at once.

“I’m sorry.” she mumbled, and Jennifer’s heart clenched up at the sudden desolate look in her eyes. “I… really Jennifer, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jennifer told her, briefly touching her shoulder, “But please, do me a favour and go home. Now. Don’t even finish that drink. I’ll take care of the tab and see you tomorrow.”

Holtzmann, too embarrassed now to talk back, just nodded and grabbed her jacket. Only once she had walked back to her apartment and was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, she realized that there was no meeting scheduled for the next day…

She wondered what Jennifer had been talking about. 

 

*****

 

Holtzmann found out what Jennifer had meant in the next day, at half past five. Just as she was getting ready to leave, and perhaps stop at the bar before she’d go to her quiet and lonely home, the door opened and Jennifer waltzed in as if she owned the place, not impressed by the look of wary surprise on Holtzmann’s face.

“You don’t have any plans, do you?” the PA asked.

“What.” Holtzmann replied somewhat flatly, not quite sure what to think of this. Jennifer just gave her a brief smile in response, then gestured at the door, her expression and tone making it clear that refusal would not be accepted. “Come on. Let’s take a walk.”

Holtzmann still wasn’t sure what to think of that, but didn’t bother to talk back - she knew Jennifer well enough at this point to know that it wouldn’t lead anywhere, anyway. And so she just walked with her, wondering if the PA had a certain destination in mind.

“So, where are we going?” she demanded to know once they had been strolling through the streets of NYC for a while, without a clear goal becoming apparent.

To her amazement, Jennifer just shrugged, her response making the engineer raise an eyebrow. 

“Nowhere in particular.” she let Holtzmann know. “This isn’t about getting anywhere, it’s about the act of walking itself.”

Holtzmann was sceptical, raising an eyebrow at her, unable to keep a bit of snark out of her voice as she replied. “How is this meant to help me, exactly?”

“It’s peaceful.” Jennifer shrugged, unperturbed by the look of disbelief Holtzmann shot her. “Meant to clear your head. And it’s certainly better than alcohol.”

“I think I like alcohol better”, Holtzmann grumbled, feeling oddly petulant now. She momentarily considered just marching off and leaving Jennifer on her own, but ultimately decided against it, realizing that the PA could make life for the whole team quite difficult if she wanted to. And besides, she found she was quite enjoying Jennifer’s company. Certainly more so than Abby’s or Patty’s at the moment.

“I can imagine.” Jennifer dryly told her, earning a glare. “It dulls everything, doesn’t it? But some pain you just have to feel, Jillian.”

“Says who?” Holtzmann demanded to know, clearly not willing to give in so fast. “And what if I don’t want to?”

“Then think of Erin.” Jennifer suggested, and for a second, Holtzmann felt so angry that she seriously considered yelling at the PA, right there on a busy New York sidewalk. 

“That,” she pressed out between grit teeth, “is exactly the problem, and you know that.”

Jennifer sighed, and for a moment, there was a flash of sympathy in her eyes. Then, she shook her head and sighed, a bit exasperated, but her voice was surprisingly kind and caring when she responded.  “What I mean is… Do you think she’d want you to do this? To ruin yourself? She may not have been in love with you, Jillian, but she cared about you. Probably still does. She wouldn’t have wanted to see you do this to yourself.”

“If she cared so much about me, she wouldn’t have done this!” The words were out before Holtzmann could stop herself, breaking free with ease, fuelled by pain and anger. For a few moments, there was silence, then Jennifer gave her a hard look, not sounding so kind anymore when she replied. 

“I’ll let that slide because you’re upset,” she told the engineer, Holtzmann’s gaze dropping to the sidewalk beneath her feet as she suddenly felt ashamed at her outburst and at what she had said, “but you’re smart enough to know why I’m not dignifying that with a response.”

“...I know”, Holtzmann mumbled, deflating visibly and earning another look of sympathy, “I know. It’s not her fault.”

And it truly wasn’t, she knew. Erin didn’t choose to enter an abusive relationship, to have her self-worth torn down to nothing by a manipulative bastard like Phil, and to have him isolate her from the people who loved her and might have been able to help her.

_ Might have been able to, but didn’t,  _ Holtzmann thought to herself, her guilt and shame flaring up again.  _ Like you. You knew he was hurting her and you let it happen because you were dumb enough to think you’d have time. Time to collect “evidence”, time to fix it, even though you’ve seen her suffer. You’ve seen and you did nothing but watch and write it down. If you want to blame someone, blame him, and blame yourself. _

She wondered if she’d be ever able to forgive herself for how drastically she had failed Erin as a friend, if she’d be able to look at herself in the mirror without wanting to smash the glass. 

She doubted that day would come anytime soon.

She wondered if it would even come at all...

 

*****

 

As Holtzmann and the rest of the team learned, life went on. It _had_ to go on. Shortly after her first walk with Jennifer, Holtzmann found the necklace she had hidden what felt like eons ago, when she had been still foolish enough to think that sooner or later, they’d get Erin out. Not willing herself to forget who she was doing this for, she started wearing it along with her signature one, the small golden seashell and anchor pendants glinting next to the screw of the larger silver Screw U one.  

The others noticed; of course they did. And when they did, Holtzmann shot them a  _ look _ , almost wishing that one of them would say something so she could lash out them, unload some of her shame and guilt on them.

For a moment, it seemed as if Patty actually would say something. Holtzmann wasn’t sure if she should be relieved or annoyed when Patty kept quiet after all. She would have welcomed a chance to lash out, but perhaps, Patty could sense this, and wisely had chosen to not make any comment.

If Holtzmann had been capable of reading minds, she would have realized pretty quickly that there was no need to unload any of her guilt and shame onto the historian - because Patty felt just as bad as Holtzmann herself did, all too well remembering the day the engineer had found the necklace and had tried to talk to her about it.

And remembering all too well how she had shot her down. 

_ She had tried to warn me… She had asked for help so many times, and I just dismissed her… Holtzy baby, I’m so sorry… _

She tried to make amends now, the best way she could, arming herself with knowledge. She read everything she could get her hands on about abusive relationships, and as she researched, she couldn’t believe it that she had been so goddamn blind. She couldn’t believe that she had missed all the red flags Holtzmann clearly had seen pop up, the ones the blonde had tried so hard to warn her about.

And once she had sufficiently read up on that subject, she moved on to legal texts, plowing through law books and case studies.  _ Because there had to be something they could do _ , she told herself as she methodically worked through the books and cases.  _ There had to be some sort of loophole which would allow them to find Erin, to get her out, to help her. _

No matter how much time and energy she poured into this work though, it always came back to the same result. It was just like Jennifer had said, Patty had to realize again and again; unless Erin came forward and spoke about the things Phil was doing to her, it was  _ he said, she said _ , and there was nothing the Ghostbusters could do. 

Sometimes, when Holtzmann walked by as she was doing this research, Patty thought that there was almost a smile curling the engineer’s lips. But it was hard to be sure, because at this point, Holtzmann barely spent any time with them when they weren’t out on a bust, spending most of the day up in her lab, even eating her meals up there all on her own. 

Abby had tried to get her to have lunch with them, exactly once. It had ended with the engineer yelling at her friend, and threatening to quit the team for good before she had stormed up to her lab and had stayed there the rest of the day. 

From that day on, Patty and Abby had lunch together, sometimes with Kevin, sometimes just the two of them, and they never tried to get Holtzmann to join them again. 

 

*****

 

Despite the rift in the team, work had to go on, too. Holtzmann perhaps was a bit more forceful when she worked on the equipment than strictly necessary, and the number of poofs ranging from tiny to medium had increased - drastically so on bad days - but they kept on working, all of them knowing that this was what Erin would have wanted.

_ Erin would have wanted this _ was also the main motivation for Holtzmann to stay after all. She blamed Abby and Patty for what had happened almost as much as she blamed herself, and while this ordinarily would have been enough for her to want to quit, she knew that Erin would have wanted them to continue their work. SHe would have wanted them to get the truth out there. 

So she stayed, and worked, and went on busts with the others. She even tried to make her reports look prim and proper; they were never even close to the level Erin’s had had, but they seemed to be good enough, because while Jennifer was still harsh and sometimes cutting in the meetings, she didn’t remark on the report quality again. 

_ Perhaps _ , Holtzmann thought,  _ she knew that they were doing their best, that Erin had been the one solely responsible for the previously high quality of their reports _ . And perhaps, Jennifer could see that after losing Erin, the threat of losing Holtzmann too has been punishment enough for all of them. It showed through the way Abby wouldn’t meet Holtzmann’s eyes, through how Patty would sometimes glance at the engineer with her eyes full of regret, and through the clipped, short answers Holtzmann gave them whenever they addressed her.

They all knew that the only reason Holtzmann was still part of the team was the knowledge that Erin would have wanted her to stay. And so, life went on, and Holtzmann stayed; even if she, on the worst days, found it hard to  _ look _ at Abby and Patty. It was during those days that she hid away in her lab for hours just so she wouldn’t have to talk to them, before spending a good few hours just wandering the streets of New York to clear her head, sometimes accompanied by Jennifer.

 

*****

 

One memorable day, she came downstairs to find Abby at her desk, an open magazine in front of her, and tears streaming down her cheeks. 

She almost ignored it,  _ almost _ … then Abby looked up at her, and Holtzmann saw the pain and guilt in her eyes, and before she realized she was moving, she had moved over to the other woman’s desk and looked at the article. She didn’t bother to say anything, just studying it in silence, but it didn’t take long for Holtzmann to figure out what had upset Abby.

It was a renowned journal, she knew without having to look at the cover; and as she skimmed the article - written by one Dr Phil Hudson, according to the information on top - she could easily tell that while Phil might have done some of the work, the majority of it hadn’t come from his mind.

She knew how Erin worked, how her  _ mind _ worked. She’d recognize that work everywhere.

The letters and numbers blurred in front of her eyes as sudden tears stung in them, an unbidden mental image flashing through her mind; a scene of Phil dumping a bunch of files in front of Erin and telling her to get to work, only to use her work for his article, and Erin too frightened and intimidated by him to protest when he took all credit for himself.

“I failed her...” Abby almost whimpered, and for the first time since Erin had left the firehouse for good, Holtzmann felt sympathy for the researcher. “I failed her so badly and now…”

She dissolved into sobs, and Holtzmann cried, too. And even though they weren’t touching, weren’t trying to give each other comfort, they still cried  _ together _ , for their friend and for what they had lost… and from fear that it was too late, that this damage couldn’t be undone anymore, couldn’t be made right anymore.

Not for the first time, they doubted that Erin would ever find her way back to them.

 

*****

 

A strange mixture of relief and nausea floods through Erin’s system as she looks at the purple stick, the minus sign clear as day.

_ Not pregnant _ .

She’s in the clear for at least another month, the birth control still working its scientific magic. She stocked up on that and some Plan B right before they moved, nearly a year ago by now, but she’s running low, and she knows that.

It scares her more than she would like to admit.

It seems a small worry, especially to the objective observer. Her entire body is nearly permanently covered in bruises these days, the fact that Erin can’t seem to get pregnant only serving to make Phil more angry. But that’s exactly why Erin keeps this thing, this one thing, just to herself.

She doesn’t want to raise a child in this environment.

Luckily, there aren’t any objective observers to properly judge Erin’s choices. She doesn’t go outside a lot, doing most of her shopping online to steer clear of any strange looks she might be getting. There’s no job to worry about, because Phil earns enough to support both of them, and it gives Erin more time to keep the house looking clean. And while she suspects her collarbone has been broken for a good week and a half now, and the vision in her left eye has been suspiciously blurry for months, she doesn’t dare to go to the hospital.

Not only does she not want to explain to Phil where she’s been, she doesn’t have the energy to make up a story. Besides, the fact that the side of her face looks like a child’s fingerpainting project of reds, blues, yellows and purples would dismiss any credibility anyway.

Not that she minds.

She doesn’t mind much of anything these days.

She just feels empty.

Taking a deep breath, she tosses the plastic stick in the garbage, before rummaging through her collection of pads and tampons to find the birth control she had so deftly hidden among those products. With shaking hands, she opened one of the last packages, already dreading what would happen that fateful day she would come to be without.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All warnings apply. Contains mentions of suicidal thoughts. Proceed with caution.

Already when Erin unlocked the apartment door, she had the distinct feeling that something was wrong.

This wasn’t an exactly new feeling for her in this household, but this time it was somehow  _ different. _ There was a strange foreboding that it wasn’t something she had done which had made Phil angry (like forgetting to add milk to the cart when she had bought stuff online in the morning, which had been the sole reason she had gone out to the grocery store in the first place), but something else, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. 

It was almost enough for her to just put down to something normal, something she’d just gotten used to.

_ Almost _

Had it not been for the loud moans and recognizable grunts coming from the direction of the bedroom. Grunts she had heard often enough when she had been lying beneath him, waiting from him to be done with her.

Perhaps, she thought to herself as she carefully lowered the small grocery bag to the floor, it should have worried her that she felt nothing but emptiness as she walked to the bedroom and saw them together. The attractive, clearly younger woman in their bed at least had the decency to look embarrassed. 

The same could not be said for her boyfriend.

“Erin.” Erin vaguely noted how he didn’t even sound apologetic this time. Just annoyed at the interruption, something which was enough to make Erin feel sick to her stomach. “Well. I’ll be right back, sweetheart.”

Another woman would have stormed off then, or would have insulted him, maybe slapped him for good measure. Erin could only note how he didn’t direct the term of endearment at her, and could only stand there, watching him pull on his pants before he stepped out into the hallway with her.

“You shouldn’t be surprised, you know.” He said, making her wonder if she was looking surprised, because she certainly didn’t feel that way. “After how you’ve let me down for months now? I’m sorry to be so crass, but after how frigid you’ve been lately, you just weren’t enough to satisfy me anymore.”

“Phil…” Her first impulse was to apologize - for interrupting him, for not being enough, for acting the way she did - but he interrupted her, simply shrugging at her words.

“I’m afraid that won’t do. We had a good time, but it just doesn’t work anymore, you know?”

Erin wanted to argue that no, she _ didn’t _ know, and she wanted nothing more than to plead for him to stay. But somewhere along the way, it seemed even her will to fight for the one person who had once loved her had vanished.

“You have until the end of the day to pack your things and leave.”

Erin just nodded, eyes downcast, not finding it within her to protest, to ask him where she should go. He wouldn’t care, anyway. He’d been the only one to care for her, and she’d manage to alienate him with her behaviour.

_ Really, Erin _ , his voice whispered from the depths of her mind,  _ would it have killed you to try a bit harder? Instead of just lying there? _

“Oh, and Erin?” 

For a second, she dared to hope as she looked up to meet his eyes. For a second, she dared to hope that maybe he’d take her back. That maybe, he’d tell her now what to do to make this undone, what sort of atonement he’d allow her. She dared to hope he’d take her back and everything would be okay. 

“Leave the necklace.”

Those three words shattered the last bits of hope she still had left, leaving nothing emptiness in their wake. Nodding again, she turned to do as told, knowing better than to argue at this point - and not even being able to find the energy for it to begin with.

She realized, as she packed a small bag, that at this point, she had nothing. Nothing but the small amount of things she was packing now. She had nothing, and more importantly, she had no one.

She couldn’t go to her parents. They would just be disappointed that Erin couldn’t manage to keep her man. They would be disappointed that she had failed as a girlfriend, that she’d let a man as ‘fine’ as Phil go. She’d failed as a scientist, she’d failed as a girlfriend… There was no reason for her parents to still love her.

(Not that she’d even seen them in ages anyway. During the past few holidays, Phil always insisted they go to his family instead. Apparently that was closer, and saved on travel)

She didn’t have any friends, either. Back at Columbia, she’d ever only had acquaintances at best, and with Phil still working there, there was no reason for any of them to like her. If anything, they’d be despising her more than they already had.

And she knew the Ghostbusters, the people she had once dared to consider friends, wouldn’t want her back even if she paid them. They were the ones who had sent her away to begin with. They never even looked for her.

They never even missed her.

 

As she pondered that, her feet carried her through New York City, the twilight glow shining over the city and giving it an almost melancholy feel. Erin didn’t notice, didn’t even realize where she was going. She had no destination in mind, just let her feet carry her through the once familiar streets. 

When she had taken 5 steps onto the Brooklyn bridge, however, everything suddenly clicked into place.

There was nowhere to go. No one to turn to. Nothing to stay for. In fact, her staying would only burden others.

No one would miss her if she just… Vanished.

Taking a shaky breath, Erin took a few more steps, until she reached about the middle of the bridge. Her hands were shaking, her palms were sweaty as she placed her small bag down, before stepping out of her heels and setting them next to the railing.

_ Nerves _ . Apparently even doing the right thing was something Erin was about to screw up.

Letting out another breath, she took off her jacket and her scarf, neatly folding them and placing them on top of her bag. Nice and proper. Ready for someone else to use in the future. She hoped someone else could still make use of them.

Taking one last look at her small set of belongings, Erin lifted herself onto the railing. With her feet dangling over the railing, and the sun setting on the Hudson river, she was glad for this peaceful view as she prepared to let herself fall…

*****

 

Holtzmann was walking again. It’s become part of her routine by now, a way to stop herself from going completely insane. The three-legged puppy yapping at her feet was much the same thing. A ‘therapy animal’, Jennifer had called it. 

“I have one too. It helps. It makes you feel less alone.”

Holtzmann had to admit the PA was right. It didn’t help much, but it was good company for when she has to clear her head again. And dogs needed to be walked, anyway.

 

She still takes the same route she always does, the one she walked with Jennifer that first day. It’s familiar. Comforting. Calming.

Her favourite part is where it crosses over the Brooklyn Bridge, where she can see the sun setting below the water if she leaves early enough. 

It’s more peaceful than you might expect.

She’s wearing an old hoodie of Erin’s that she found. Purple, a series of Taylor Swift tour dates on the back. It would have delighted her that it was such an incredibly  _ Erin _ thing for Erin to own, had it not been for the fact that the person herself was gone.

The shirt stopped smelling like her months ago, but she doesn’t want to get rid of it. It feels too much like getting rid of Erin, even if it does fill her with guilt and regret every time she sees it. Because she never had been able to shake the feeling that she could have done more. That she  _ should _ have done more. She failed her friend, the woman she loved, in the worst way possible, and she has no one to blame for that but herself.

 

_ Why hadn’t she fought harder for Erin? _

 

Suddenly, the pup shoots away from her, bouncing happily and wagging its tail as it barks excitedly. The sight confuses Holtzmann, who pauses with a frown. Her dog, whom she had named Bark Ruffalo, had never been a fan of strangers; the pup was still getting used to the presence of Abby and Patty sometimes. Yet here he was, acting the same way he tended to greet Holtzmann whenever she came home from a day of work. 

Confused as she is, she feels too emotionally drained to run after him, trusting the pup to not get himself in trouble. Instead, she just watches as he stops near a pile of stuff.

 

A bag. A coat. Shoes. All neatly set down next to the railing.

 

Holtzmann frowns.

She looks up from the pile to see a woman sitting on the ledge, hair blowing in the wind. The engineer knows instantly what that woman came here to do, and if she’s entirely honest, she doesn’t even blame her. Not really.

It wasn’t like Holtzmann herself hadn’t considered the option at times.

The woman was slim. Pale. Slender. Even in the dark of night, she looked like death, her pale face illuminated by the streetlights. Holtzmann wasn’t sure whether or not she was glad that the woman had seemingly been distracted from the task at hand by the dog currently yapping at her feet, looking around to find its owner instead of doing what she had set out here to do.

 

_ From a distance, it looks an awful lot like… _

 

But Holtzmann shook her head. That couldn’t be. Erin was gone. Holtzmann had failed her, and Erin was gone. There was no way she was suddenly here, out of the blue, with Holtzmann running into her like this.

But then their eyes meet. And Holtzmann  _ knows _ .

 

*****

 

The sudden barking distracted Erin, the woman looking down at the pile of clothes the puppy was sniffing around at. It wasn’t a lost dog, from the looks of it. The pup looked much too healthy to be lost. Too excited, too well-fed. Which undoubtedly meant the owner had to be near.

Erin wasn’t sure she was too pleased about that. There was a very real possibility whomever it was might try to stop her.

But she supposed said stranger would have to care enough to try and do that. And honestly, Erin doubted someone would think her worth the effort.

As Erin looked around, she found a young woman standing on the bridge, looking right at her. She looked blurry, at least partially, but there was a certain familiarity to her, even if Erin almost doesn’t recognize her. Doesn’t  _ want _ to recognize her, even.

When she does, Erin almost laughs, then cries, a sudden tugging of a feeling in her empty soul. Because  _ of course _ the world would mock her with her love for Jillian. Her love for the engineer, the only person who ever seemed to have seen her.

The only person who ever pretended to care.

Their eyes meet, and Erin flashes the ghost – for she’s sure it must be a ghost. It wouldn’t be the first she’d seen, but if she had any say in it, it would be the last – a smile. Warm. Comforting. A hello. A thank you.

 

A goodbye.

*****

 

The moment Holtzmann sees that smile, she knows what’s about to happen, and she runs. She sprints, she moves faster than she ever has in her entire life, her arms wrapping around something slim and fragile mere seconds later, her head resting against something solid as she cries.

And cries.

And cries.

Because it’s her. And she’s here. And Holtzmann is holding her, and she isn’t too late, and she’s cold and weak and nothing like she remembered, but she’s also comfortable and she smells of coconut and in some ways she’s still  _ exactly _ like Holtzmann remembered.

And so she cries. She cries, and she apologizes, and she thanks whatever deity is willing to listen for granting her this, for bringing Erin back to her, even as she feels slender fingers covering her hands, willing her to let go.

It only makes Holtz cry more, only makes her hold on tighter in response. Because she’d have to be an  _ idiot _ to let go of Erin Gilbert again after all this time, to lose her again for good when she’d only just found her.

“It’s alright, Holtz.” And god, her voice sounds so empty, and it’s so clear that this past year has drained Erin from every bit of Erin-ness Holtz had come to know and love, and Holtz shakes her head, crying.

 

“ _ Please _ .”

 

It’s a plea. Soft. One Holtzmann hears but doesn’t listen to, shaking her head and burying it against Erin’s back.

“It’s okay.”

But it’s not, and Holtzmann knows it’s not, and so she won’t let go. Refuses to let go. She just cries, Erin’s name like a prayer on her lips, the blonde drowning herself in Erin’s scent, in the way she feels, in the way she  _ exists _ .

Erin just covers her hands once more, again pleading for her to let go.  _ Because it’s better this way _ . Because this way, Erin will no longer hurt her. Because as grateful as she is that she got to see Holtzmann again, because she missed her – a fact which makes Holtzmann’s heart break all over again, because how could she have failed Erin so badly – this was better for everyone.

And these words, the same words she spoke to Holtzmann when she left the firehouse a year previous, make Holtzmann hold on even tighter, pulling Erin closer to her as she holds on to her for dear life, firmly shaking her head.

“I let you go once.” She manages to choke out, tears still streaming down her face and soaking Erin’s shirt. “I’m not doing it again. Not now. Not ever.”

If Erin’s honest, she doesn’t really understand why Holtzmann is acting this way. She doesn’t understand why the engineer seems so insistent to hold on to her, to make sure she lives. She isn’t really sure what to think of that, or how to feel about that. 

Part of her still just wants to let herself fall, to make everything stop. To make sure she’s no longer burdening everyone, to make sure that  _ emptiness _ inside just goes away.

But there is something about Holtzmann, something about her pleading, that tugs at Erin’s heart. Something that makes her feel something she can’t quite place, a feeling she hasn’t had in a long time.

 

She vaguely recognizes it as the feeling that almost made her stay that day.

*****

 

They stay there for a while, Holtzmann not once moving or ceasing her crying as she holds Erin, the puppy still sniffing around Erin’s bag. Erin’s hands are still covering Holtzmann’s, the older woman tracing soft and gentle patterns on the backs of them.

“If I promise not to jump, will you let go?” She asks. “I want to see you.”

Her quiet voice still sounds empty of all emotion, and it’s enough to make Holtzmann hesitate. Because what if Erin lets go after all? What if Holtzmann fails her again this way? What if she loses her again?

But she agrees, her grip loosening on Erin,  _ and it would be so easy, _ Erin thinks,  _ to just let myself fall. To just let go. To set Holtzmann free. _

But she just made a promise. And her problems are her own. And she can’t have her last act on this earth be the breaking of a promise to the only person who ever tried to help her back then.

So she turns around, Holtzmann’s hands steadying her whenever she trembles too much, whenever she risks falling after all.

(By accident, this time. To say Erin feels weak is an understatement.)

And then Erin is standing, Holtzmann’s hands secure on her waist, and she looks at the blonde for the first time in over a year.

 

It shocks her to see how much the engineer had apparently changed. She looks years older, and her face carries none of the exuberance and joy Erin remembers. Instead, she looks sad and hollow, like someone sucked out all of her usual youthful energy. Her make-up is all cried off, and with her signature yellow glasses still perched on her nose she looks more like a raccoon than ever. But while those blue eyes still look at Erin like she’s a ghost, the former physicist can see glimpses of the Holtzmann she remembers in that look, and she  _ almost _ dares herself to smile. Because in a strange way, it feels a lot like coming home.

 

As Erin takes in the sight of Holtzmann, Holtzmann takes in the sight of Erin, one hand carefully coming up to brush some of the hair behind the woman’s ear. It’s only now that she properly sees just how weak she is, just how thin she is. It’s only now that she can really see how she’s black and bruised all over. How her left eye is blurry, how there’s scars on the back of her hands that she can feel under her touch. But as she takes in that information, she can also see the ghost of a smile on her face, and that alone is enough to set Holtzmann off again.

Because she’s still Erin. She’s frail, and she’s broken, and she’s empty, but she’s still Erin, and Holtzmann just falls into her arms, burying her face in her shoulder as she cries. Because she’s  _ Erin _ . And she’s  _ here _ . And Holtzmann doesn’t entirely believe this isn’t all just some dream, but if it is, she never wants to wake up again.

 

Erin is a little stunned when she feels Holtzmann launch herself at her, the blonde holding her tight enough that even Erin wonders if she’s entirely okay. Because she’d never known Holtzmann to be this emotional, this affectionate. She still isn’t sure what to think of the situation, still doesn’t feel herself deserving of such a response. She feels hollow, and empty, and doesn’t shed a single tear. The same words she’d told Holtzmann before – that it’s okay to let her go, that it would be better for everyone anyway, that Erin has made  _ peace _ with the situation – are on the tip of her tongue, but she feels something tugging inside of her that makes her swallow those down.

Instead, she just wraps her arms around Holtzmann in return, rubbing soothing circles on the blonde’s back until she’s all cried out, the puppy sniffing at Erin’s feet. And that something, that vague hint of a feeling that she can’t quite identify, is somehow enough to make her stay, even for just a while longer.

So they just stand there, locked in each other’s embrace.

 

Two broken souls.

They’re both lost. And they’re both so far from okay. But for the first time, there’s hope for both of them.


	5. Chapter 5

Holtzmann takes Erin to the hospital later that same night, despite the older woman’s protest. She forces them to take photos, to inventarize the damage.

Broken clavicle. Bruises all over her body. Bruised ribs. A cateract in her left eye that will result in permanent vision loss. Clear signs of sexual assault.

Erin denies it all, calls all of them accidents, but everyone around her knows better.

Erin doesn’t care. She tells them to toss the photos, but Holtzmann keeps them. Tells her she’ll hold on to them, the date and times stamped onto them, just in case Erin changes her mind. In case she ever wants to come forward.

In case she ever wants to make him pay.

Holtzmann takes Erin home then, never having let go of Erin for more than a few seconds at best. The puppy still bounces around them, somehow as excited to see Erin as he usually is to see Holtzmann. The blonde suspects he recognized Erin by her scent, Holtz’s small apartment containing still quite a number of mementos of her. And she’s never been more grateful for that.

 

****

 

Erin doesn’t sleep that night, but Holtzmann does, her arms wrapped around the taller woman. It’s the first proper night’s sleep the blonde has gotten in ages, and Erin doesn’t dare to wake her from it. Instead, she just pets the puppy absentmindedly, her mind wandering, wondering, trying to determine why Holtzmann would care as much as she did.

 

***

 

They stay at Holtzmann’s apartment for days, going nowhere, speaking to no one, not even each other.

The first day is peaceful. Quiet. Erin doesn’t speak a lot, and Holtzmann doesn’t force her. She imagines Erin is still trying to come to terms with her situation, still trying to wrap her head around the fact that she’s no longer with Phil. Despite the fact that the relationship was as unhealthy as they came, it was still a relationship. And Erin had become so dependent on him, had had her independence ripped away so completely, Holtz didn’t blame her even a second for having to adjust.

The second day, Abby calls Holtzmann, and asks her why she’s not at work.

Holtzmann hangs up immediately, not even letting Abby finish her sentence before she goes back to the couch to rest her head on Erin’s shoulder, not wanting to talk to Abby now that she’s seen first-hand what her former friend’s neglect had resulted in.

Erin still looked pale and empty, less than a shell of who she used to be. She barely spoke, barely ate, didn’t even dare to ask Holtzmann for things. Holtz doubted Erin even believed the affection she was showing was even genuine, and that Erin was just letting Holtz cuddle close because she couldn’t say no to _anything_.

But in honestly, those were things Holtz would worry about later. Just like Abby, just like the team, just like nearly everything else in her life. Right now, all she wanted was to know Erin was safe, away from that monster she had been forced to call a boyfriend, and alive in her arms instead.

 

****

 

When Jennifer calls them on the third day, Holtzmann does agree to speak to her. The PA, soon to be throwing her hat in the ring for a higher position in public office, had been a friend and confidante the engineer had not been able to ignore. Jennifer had kept her sane, kept her going, and Holtzmann trusted her completely. And if Erin was here, and that was the reason Holtz was neglecting her duties, she deserved to know.

When she hung up the phone 5 minutes later, making sure to keep her conversation short, she almost immediately turned back to Erin, who was looking at her rather curiously.

“Who was that?”

Holtzmann shrugged as she tossed the phone back on the table, sitting back down next to Erin, who was still petting Bark Ruffalo.

“Jennifer. She wanted to know if I was okay after missing work.”

And there’s something about the tone of Holtzmann’s voice, something about the way she smiles when she says Jennifer’s name, that makes Erin’s face fall just a little, a sudden emptiness overtaking her. She wasn’t sure why, but it felt like a punch in the gut, even if the knowledge that Holtzmann had found someone else didn’t quite surprise her.

The engineer was brilliant. She was beautiful. She was funny. And any woman would be lucky to have her.

So she nodded.

“Is she good to you?” She asks, ignoring the way she feels her heart tug at those words. Because she had no claim to Holtzmann, none at all. Any feelings she might have had were her own, and Holtz deserved the world. Certainly someone better than Erin.

Holtzmann, who seemed to have caught on to what Erin was implying, just wrapped her arms around her favourite physicist again, curling back up in her embrace.

“She’s been a good _friend_.” Holtzmann emphasized that last word, not wanting Erin to think for even a _second_ that Holtzmann was no longer interested in her that way. Not when she’s already messed up so much in the past. If there was anything this past year had taught Holtzmann, it was that she had to get her feelings out in the open when she still had the chance, lest she lose her chance forever.

“I’m happy for you.”

Holtzmann notes how hollow her voice sounded, and just shakes her head, leaning up a little to look Erin in the eye.

“Erin…” She could feel herself shut down already – emotions have never been her forte – but she forces herself to struggle on, if not for Erin’s sake, then for her own. “I love you. Jennifer is just a friend. And even if she wasn’t, she would be now. Because I have never loved anyone like I love you. Will never love anyone like I love you.”

Erin just stares at her, unmoving. It is clear she knows how much effort it took Holtzmann to express that, but it’s just as clear that she doesn’t believe a word of what the engineer is saying.

She doesn’t argue, though. Maybe she’s too tired, or maybe she just doesn’t want to fight, but Holtzmann will take it. Especially when Erin foregoes the petting of Bark to hold Holtzmann instead, holding the blonde engineer like she’s something incredibly precious, like she can’t really believe this is real.

And Holtzmann has never felt more loved in her entire life.

 

***

 

“There’s some…. Nevermind.”

“Hmmm?” Holtzmann looked up from the wires she was stripping, her back firmly rested against Erin’s legs as she sat on the floor. She hadn’t been away from Erin much, taking solace and comfort from the fact the physicist was back in her life again. Erin still didn’t talk much, so their time was mostly spent in silence, but Holtzmann didn’t mind.

Quiet time together was better than no time together at all.

“It’s nothing.” Erin insisted, a soft smile on her lips as she looked down at the engineer at her feet.

“It’s something, or you wouldn’t have brought it up.” Holtzmann countered, putting the wires down and clambering up onto the couch. “You can tell me if you want… You know that, right?”

Erin didn’t respond immediately, just moved her arm a little so Holtzmann could snuggle up a bit closer. She’d forgotten how affectionate the blonde engineer could be at times, but she was glad for the many reminders.

“It’s just…” She sighed, shaking her head before continuing. “There’s some things of mine, that I hid at the firehouse. I don’t know if you found it when you hired my replacement, but I was just wondering what happened to it. It’s not important.”

Holtzmann looked at her, stunned speechless for a moment. Because as if Erin could ever be replaced, by anyone. She was Erin Gilbert, once named physicist of the year, the only person Holtz knew who could somehow make tweed look hot both literally and figuratively. The only person who’d seen a ghost when she was 8, and who used to record her own covers of songs because she was too cheap to buy the CD.

The only woman Holtzmann had fallen quite this hard for.

“What?” Erin asked, seeing the look of befuddlement on Holtz’s face.

“Erin…” Holtz shook her head, her hand placed on the physicist’s cheek. “We never hired your replacement. We didn’t want to replace you.”

“But…” Erin frowned at that. “You wanted me gone.”

Holtzman shook her head, burying her head in Erin’s shoulder as she hugged her close.

“We never did, Erin. Not once.”

 

***

 

Erin bonds with the puppy, but stays away from the firehouse.

So does Holtz.

The first time Erin asks her about it is about a week after she moved in with the engineer. Neither of them have called it that, but they both know that’s essentially what happened. Erin has nowhere else to go, and even if she did, Holtzmann wouldn’t want her to leave. And she knows, deep down, that Erin doesn’t either.

“I don’t want to go back.”

“Why not.”

Rather than petting Bark Ruffalo, Erin is essentially petting Holtz this time. The blonde is lying in the couch, her head in Erin’s lap, as the physicist runs her fingers through blonde locks.

Holtzmann shrugs, opening her eyes to look at Erin.

“I only stayed because of you. Because I knew you wanted to get the truth out there. But right now, I’d rather just spend time with you.”

Erin kisses her then, the brunette leaning down to capture Holtz’s lips with her own, before toppling them over and straddling her.

They both know it’s Erin communicating, somehow. Holtz isn’t sure what it means, not well-versed enough to decipher each kiss, each touch, each shiver-evoking movement. But she knows Erin wouldn’t tell her even if she asked her to.

She doubts if Erin even really knows what she’s trying to say.

But it’s a start. And while her lover is still silent as Holtzmann moans her name from that couch, the soft, thankful look on her face says enough.

Baby steps.

Holtz doesn’t push Erin to talk.

She knows Erin will talk when she’s ready.

 

***

 

“We looked for you, you know?”

Holtzmann looks at her as they’re laying in bed together, Erin’s naked body pressed against hers. This has been happening a lot now, and Holtzmann doesn’t have the strength or the heart to stop her. Their interactions have been mostly silent, Holtz just revelling in the sensation that Erin is here. And alive. And safe.

“We called. Harassed him at his office. I tried to find you. I’m sorry I failed you.”

When she looks over at Erin, the physicist is just staring at her, a certain level of disbelief on her face. She looks like she wants to say something, like she feels the _need_ to say something, but also like she doesn’t know _what_ she could say to that.

So Holtz shakes her head, kissing Erin’s hand instead. “Don’t worry. I just felt the need to tell you that.”

 

***

 

“Do you want to know why I was there that night?”

It’s the first thing Erin’s said that even remotely relates to her situation ever since she asked about her stuff over a week ago. Holtz had returned most of it to her, excluding the books Abby had stolen, but so far Erin hadn’t done much with most of it.

The puppy is in Erin’s lap, Holtzmann curled up beside her, looking at her expectantly as she waits for Erin to continue.

“He kicked me out. Found someone else. Told me to go. So I did.”

It’s spoken very matter of factly, Erin shaking her head as she pets Bark.

“Part of me is glad he did. I was running out of birth control pills. I didn’t want to raise a child in that environment.”

It’s all she says on the topic, falling silent again for the rest of the evening. Holtzmann just takes her hand in silent comfort, and when Erin squeezes it in gratitude, the blonde knows she’s done the right thing.

 

***

 

Jennifer visits them a few days later, telling them in no uncertain terms that Holtz does need to get back to work, considering she’s currently being paid a government salary for doing essentially nothing. She does, however, also tell them Erin is more than welcome to come back.

“I might even let a cat out of the bag for you.”

The banter is familiar. Comforting. Erin smiles at her, almost willing to accept that offer.

 _Almost_.

“I’ll think about it.” 

 

***

 

Erin had noticed Holtzmann’s phone ringing at irregular intervals, then vibrating when the engineer switched off the sound. For days, Holtzmann ignored it, and Erin didn’t ask - she was content, as much as she could be, with how things were, and somehow, she felt that things would change, should she ask Holtzmann what the constant calls were about.

Not that she didn’t have an idea about how was calling - she might be damaged, but she wasn’t stupid - but she didn’t say anything to have her suspicions be confirmed or denied.

And as it turned out, she didn’t need to, because Holtz did so herself after a few more days had gone by, sounding exasperated and a bit annoyed as her phone started vibrating on the living room table once more.

“Damn it”, the blonde grumbled, glaring at the display, as if the power of her glare alone would be enough to make it stop, “okay, um… Erin, I didn’t really want to do this, not yet and maybe not anytime soon but… Well… Would you consider going back? To the firehouse? Ever?”

Erin wasn’t quite sure what to respond to that, unable to figure out what the right answer was - with Phil, she dully thought to to herself, it had been easy. All she’d had to do to please him was to agree with him and tell him what he wanted to hear.

But Holtzmann wasn’t Phil - thankfully - and she wasn’t even sure if there was right and wrong with Holtzmann, the way there’d been with Phil.

So she just shrugged, focusing on the puppy instead of on thoughts of how Abby and Patty might react. She felt the couch move when Holtzmann moved closer to her, the engineer’s touch tender when she placed one hand on Erin’s shoulder.

“I told them to stay away and not to call you,” she let the physicist know, Erin briefly glancing at her before she focused on Bark again, “and they respect that. But they keep calling me. They really want to see you.”

For a while, Erin kept running her fingers through Bark Ruffalo’s soft fur, then shrugged, only to apparently change her mind a moment later, as she nodded, and Holtzmann had a moment to wonder why she looked so resigned when her gaze came up and their eyes met.

“Let them come.” Erin mumbled before Holtzmann had the chance to ask, and the engineer’s already broken heart impossibly shattered even further at what Erin said next. “They’ve been waiting over a year to chew me out. I think they’ve waited long enough.”

“Erin, no.” Holtzmann shot back at once, moving one hand to grasp one of Erin’s, “That’s not why they want to see you.”

The look Erin gave her showed clearly enough that the physicist didn’t believe her. For a moment, Holtzmann considered arguing, trying to convince her that nobody was going to chew her out; she realized quickly though that Erin wouldn’t believe her no matter what she’d say, and that the only way to convince her would be to let her meet Abby and Patty and see for herself.

She was glad when Erin nodded her agreement, but not truly surprised - Erin hadn’t brought up going back to the firehouse so far, not once, and with the two coming to her place, Holtzmann had the option to kick them out, should things take an unpleasant turn.

As she went to call Abby back, she wondered if Erin would ever set foot in the firehouse again, smiling a small, bitter smile to herself when she realized that even if Erin wouldn’t, she couldn’t really blame her.

 

***

 

They come by the next morning. The tension is obvious.

Holtzmann grudgingly lets them in, making it very clear they don’t deserve to share the same airspace as Erin. Not after what they’ve done.

Not after the fate they’ve resigned her to.

Even though it’s been weeks, Erin still looks like a shell. Her expression is empty. Hollow. The bruises have faded, but the physical damage is obvious. So is the vision damage.

Abby nearly throws up again.

They hesitantly approach her, worried even more by the fact that Erin shows no real emotion when she sees them. She just seems resigned. Empty. Done.

“Well? Get it over with. Prove me right.”

Erin sounds so matter-of-fact, so lacking of any doubt that they just mean to hurt her, it sets her off crying completely. She realizes their last altercation is still clear as day in Erin’s mind, and all she can really do is apologize, falling down at Erin’s feet and _begging_ her to forgive her.

Erin looks more than a little taken aback by this reaction, but still doesn’t really respond to any of them. She lets Abby cry. She lets Patty apologize.

Holtz just judges from afar.

 

***

 

It’s a month later when Holtzmann finally walks back into the firehouse, Erin at her side.

They’re fucking, now. They can’t call it dating. Don’t want to call it dating. Neither of them is in a right enough mindset to date, and they know this. So they just exist. They fall into each other’s arms when emotions run too high, or when Erin just needs to feel something.

They speak in touches and kisses whenever words fail them. They have developed their own language.

Erin still doesn’t speak to any of them. Her sentences are rarely more than 5 syllables.

Holtz knows by now Erin is probably re-learning how to speak at this point.

She never really got the chance over the past year.

 

***

 

There’s professional help, for both of them. Holtz is scared to let Erin go. Erin doesn’t feel much of anything.

There’s nightmares, not long after.

Holtz’s come first, and Erin holds her, and sings her lullabies with words that don’t mean much of anything.

Erin’s follow much later.

She doesn’t talk about them.

Holtz wonders if she ever will.

 

***

 

Thanksgiving comes again. Erin’s parents call.

Erin lets them talk, until Holtzmann takes the phone from her and hangs up without a word, before pushing Erin onto the bed.

They keep calling, but Holtz keeps Erin distracted.

 

***

 

A few days later, Erin’s parents show up at the firehouse. They called Abby, who explained the situation.

They didn’t believe her.

When they spot Erin, she looks more stoic than they remembered her.

Erin tells them in no uncertain terms to go fuck themselves, before going back to work.

Kevin escorts them out, Holtzmann grinning gleefully.

 

***

 

Her parents stop calling.

Erin doesn’t cry. Doesn’t even care.

Holtz worries.

Tells Erin she can’t keep bottling all this up. The blonde is returning to her old self, slowly but surely (Erin’s presence helps), but she knows Erin isn’t dealing.

Instead, Erin tells her she loves her. Tells her she doesn’t feel much, but she feels this, and for now, that’s going to have to be enough.

 

***

 

When Erin does break down, it’s sudden. It’s unexpected. And it’s in a way Holtzmann hopes she’ll never have to see again.

She cries. She breaks things. She screams, and it’s an agonizing scream that Holtzmann knows will haunt her nightmares for years to come.

But it’s a start. It’s the beginning of the flood, and Holtz tucks Erin in, and holds her, and sings her lullabies, and just hopes this will help her.

 

***

 

It lasts for a little over a week, Erin a constant wreck as everything comes out. All the pain, all the regrets, all the nightmares and terrors and worries and the suffering.

She tells Holtz to break up with her. All but orders her to kill her. To make it stop. To let her go like she should have that day on the Brooklyn Bridge and find someone better instead.

Holtz just holds her, and kisses her, and loves her, refusing to elave Erin’s side for even a second, despite the many protests.

It’s not enough, but it’s a start.

 

***

 

They’re never okay again. Not really. Erin loves her job, she loves her friends, she loves her girlfriend. She visits her parents over the holidays. But the atmosphere is always tense. There’s always this undertone of ‘you fucked up. You left me. You ignored me. It’s not even the first time.’

She isn’t happy. Not really. She doubts she ever will be again. Everything is still muted, like someone turned down the volume on her emotions. She ends up fucking her way out of her problems with Holtzmann more often than not, silencing her with kisses and touches whenever they both don’t feel like talking.

It’s messy, it’s complicated. It’s almost dysfunctional.

But they work, somehow. Two broken souls trying to put each other together.

It’s not much. But it’s enough.

They’re enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that took forever, but here you all go


End file.
